My many months hiatus from blogging was due to a life lived in limbo. How do you write about where you’re at and what you’re doing if things are constantly changing and you’re just taking it a day at a time? Going on 7 months now I’ve been living in the U.S. with my parents. Many of you know I had come home in June to “visit” my family for 2 months and then was planning to head up to Canada to meet Fabian so he could study English and I could find a job.
Unfortunately, one week before we were planning to make this transition, Fabian found out his student visa was denied. We had gone against the advice of the school representative who was helping us with the paperwork and had told the truth about his undocumented stay in the U.S. Apparently Canada didn’t like that. At the time we were filling out the papers I had told Fabian I’d prefer to tell the truth and get denied than lie and get what I wanted. Now we are reaping the consequences of that philosophy and I am feeling even more committed to “the truth”.
The bad news of Canada left Fabian more disappointed than I have ever seen him. It took us back to square one for what seemed like the hundredth time. That same week an old friend of mine contacted me saying she worked for an immigration lawyer in Tennessee and recommended him to us. After talking to him and the other people in his office we decided to re-open our U.S. case. Our lawyer says he believes we have a 99.9% chance of being approved and I am convinced that he and the others in his office are doing all they can to help us. While we did have to start the process over from the very beginning, they are estimating that we should have another verdict sometime this spring or summer.
Fabian has bounced back from the bad news about Canada but has had an exciting time of it in the police force. This fall he was on his motorcycle speeding to an emergency call when a truck pulled out in front of him. The impact caused him to fly off his bike, flip several times in the air, come crashing down on the truck’s windshield (hard enough to break it) and then bounce onto the ground. The miraculous thing is that he immediately got up to arrest the two men in the truck so they couldn’t run away! He was in the hospital for 24 hours but the doctors didn’t find any broken bones, internal bleeding or even any scratches or bruises! God is good!!!
This past summer I focused on quiet activities that drew me back to my roots. I spent a day canning red beets with my old church family, another day processing apples with them and occasionally helping my mother prepare our own garden produce for the winter. My sister, my mother and I went on frequent creek floats on the Conococheague, and took a trip to the beach.
One of my favorite memories of this summer had that backcountry touch that so many people desperately try to escape when young but long for once it’s gone. I was staying with my sister in her cottage in the woods, enjoying several peaceful mornings sipping tea and watching the creek and time roll by lazily until we could find the ambition to get up and work on her house. After one of these relaxing work days we began to walk our typical loop that takes us by several relatives’ farms. As we came up over a hill we saw some cars slowing to a stop as several calves shot across the road. Realizing these lost creatures belonged to our cousin down the road we proceeded to try to contact him. I took off running towards my cousin’s farm which was probably half a mile or so away while Veronica tried her luck with her cell phone which doesn’t always get reception in that area of the boonies. Granted, I probably should have just waited to see if she could get reception on that day instead of sprinting off in my flip flops and sundress, but nevertheless, I like making people smile and I’m pretty sure some passersby got at least a little joy out of this whole scene.
My cousin Lester and his wife Sarah were just coming out of the house as I arrived shouting his name and gasping for breath. We packed into their truck and off we went. What ensued was a pleasant evening of chasing calves through the countryside. Sarah, who was a few months pregnant at the time, tackled one to the ground successfully right at the beginning. Then we split up searching for the rest in the woods and fields until some more were located. My brother Kevin and Uncle James came from neighboring farms and we all attempted to push the calves in the direction towards home.
It was humorous watching everyone sneaking around carefully and then going at an all out sprint as the calves scattered in all the wrong directions. I was stationed on the road near a hole in the fence and was able to stand back and observe the majority of the fun. Meanwhile, no one realized Veronica had found another calf off in a different field until it came running by us with her behind it. She had sung it home…yes that’s right…she sung to it to calm it down until she was close enough for it to make a beeline down the lane.
We didn’t get all the calves in that night and soon it got too dark to continue our rodeo clowning act but I left feeling fully satisfied by my cow chasing experience. I doubt my cousin and his wife were nearly as tickled by the whole event as I was, but at least they must not have been too offended by my happiness since later in the summer they took me horseback riding. That was yet another of my favorite experiences.
Once summer passed and fall came with the sad news of our most recent denial, every day since then has been spent trying to figure out what we should do now. Should I stay in the U.S. and work? Should I go back to Mexico? Should I try to get a really good job? Should I take whatever job I come by? I waffled between wanting to be with Fabian in Mexico and knowing that he’d prefer for me to stay and work even though I wasn’t finding any really great jobs as he’d hoped. Keystone Health Center hired me back for a part-time, temporary position as a bilingual HIV Tester. I went out to the migrant camps 2-3 evenings a week to test the workers and then returned later with their results. I had always wanted to work in the migrant camps so I was thrilled to have the opportunity to do it.
In the middle of the migrant season my Pappy Rice passed away. I was able to see him the week before. I knew he was bad but in one and a half months time his condition worsened to a level that was shocking. His aged body was so frail, his mind completely gone, and it was obvious his life was hanging on by a thread. I was grateful to be in the U.S. for his passing and smile when I think of him because he was a truly loving and comical man!
Once the migrant season ended I started working on many projects. I helped my friend Coriena plan her wedding, I knitted a scarf, I sewed 3 dresses and currently have several other projects in the workings. The biggest project I did this year and probably in my entire life was a room makeover for a pregnant teenager. I won’t go into depth on this topic since it most likely will be the subject of my next blog but I will encourage you to at least check out the before and after pictures once I get them up on facebook.
In short, the past 7 months have consisted of wondering what I am doing and experiencing lots of simple joys which are the most fulfilling ones for me. I guess I’ve not been living in limbo for just 7 months but actually for 4 or 5 years. This entire journey has been speckled with low valleys. However, in the midst of dark feelings and battles against depression I find moments full of a joy that I doubt anyone could feel without experiencing the low lows.
I feel more alive and grateful than I ever felt when life was “perfect” and when my plans always worked. Living in limbo has allowed me to come to trust in God no matter what things look like in the present. It has helped me listen to His voice and follow it just for the sake of following Him and not worrying about how stupid I look, or sometimes worrying about it but not letting that stop me. This whole situation has given me a revelation of God’s love that makes me cry on a daily basis from passion for Him and a thankfulness for how He has provided for me every step of the way. I may not have excess but I always have enough! The art of living in limbo is really just the practice of trusting God!
Thank you so much for your support and prayers! I cannot express how much it means to Fabian and me! I feel wealthy in ways that are so much more valuable than material things!
Love & blessings,
Alicia
P.S. I will be returning to Mexico on December 31st.
P.P.S. I know the following verse is a repeat, but it means so much to me!
“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” –Habakkuk 3:17 & 18
(The more I lose the more I find God and the more I find God the more I know He loves me…and that is all I need!)
